Do you have an abandonment wound? Let’s find out!

Everyone has a fear of abandonment in some way. But, does that mean you have an abandonment core wound?

Most of it comes back to the inner child when we’re talking about abandonment fears.

And a lot of it has to do with how your nervous system responds to what feels like abandonment.

I have an uncommon perspective on this. I’ve worked with the abandonment core wound for twelve years.

Over that time, I’ve seen it permeate every area of someone’s life. When it goes unchecked, it can destroy your relationships, finances and health.

So, let’s dive in.

This post is all about the abandonment wound.

What is Abandonment Trauma?

I see abandonment trauma from two different sides:

The fear of being abandoned

You’ve already abandoned yourself if you have a fear of someone abandoning you. You are externalizing your fear.

Let me explain how this works.

We only fear something we’ve already done to ourselves. The reason we fear it is because we already know what it feels like.

The ego mind projects. Your mind doesn’t want to draw your attention to something painful. 

One way to avoid pain is to focus it outside of ourselves. 

So, your ego places energy, and attention outside of you. And on something or someone that you believe has done something wrong.

Your belief in their wrongdoing gives you justification.

Now, I’m not saying they didn’t do something wrong. What I am saying is that everything starts within.

One of the core symptoms of the abandonment core wound is responsibility. Taking responsibility for what you create is the first step.

And by create, I mean, you are a powerful creator.

When you give your power away by blaming someone else, you are draining your energy.

Draining your energy has steep consequences like feeling victimized, helpless and hopeless.

The only control you have is over your own emotional responses.

The fear of abandoning

The fear of abandoning shows up in a few different ways.

If you fear abandoning others it’s because you already have. You know that consequences of this behavior because you’ve lived it.

And instead of addressing the pain of the abandonment itself, you hang on as long as you can.

You grip to people, places and things much longer than is healthy or necessary.

It’s a way to control.

What’s really necessary here is taking full responsibity. Responsibility is two-sided.

It’s the pain you’ve caused as well as the pain you feel. 

Both sides are valid, and both need to be addressed.

​Is Abandonment a Soul Wound?

Abandonment is a collective wound, meaning that all of us share it. 

No one will heal from abandonment, until we all do. When that happens, it will be a spontaneous healing that ripples through everyone all at once! 

Is that going to happen in our lifetime? I don’t know the answer to that.

We can resolve behavior patterns related to abandonment now. This includes looking at any past trauma and emotional pain.

These things tend to sit in the shadow, a place we’ve pushed things that are painful.

This is what the wound of abandonment thrives on. It thrives on keeping the pain of your past experiences hidden inside.

The longer any childhood trauma sits there, the more desperate it feels to address it.

We don’t always need to look at the original hurt. Sometimes we can look at the emotional imprint it left you with.

Questions like:

1. What did I decide once I went through that?

2. Why am I angry with them?

3. Am I angry with myself?

4. What am I afraid of losing in this situation?

Sometimes a deep-seated fear stems from a fear of loss. 

By asking yourself what you’re afraid of losing, you can begin digging up the root cause of the pain.

​Signs of Abandonment Issues

Abandonment often shows up with attachment wounds and this goes back to rejection. Even in healthy relationships, there can be an element of feeling rejected.

We’ll go over the main five symptoms I see related to abandonment.

Here are five symptoms you want to check to see if you have an abandonment core wound:

Rejection

Abandonment and rejection go hand in hand. The reason for this is due to the nature of the abandonment core wound.

Abandonment stems from a deep rooted fear that you aren’t enough. That energy roots into a belief that since you aren’t enough, you undeserving of love.

If you believe you are undeserving of love, you will feel that way in your body.

Then we have feelings of abandoment.

It isn’t the rejection itself that’s a problem. It’s the coupling with abandonment. 

This brings up low self-esteem and self-worth. You may need constant reassurance or validation.

It’s important to keep things in perspective because rejection takes things personally. Things aren’t always personal, and intent isn’t always malicious.

Rebuilding your love for yourself, and your intuition is the key to overcoming rejection.

Your ability to discern intent strengthens once you’re grounded and confident in yourself. This includes who you are, and what you deserve!

Burden

Traumatic experiences can create a feeling of burden.

Burden shows up when you have taken on too much. This beast of burden energy creates a form of anxiety.

The loads your carrying may be physical, emotional, mental or spiritual.

In my personal experience, empaths take on a lot of emotional burdens.

Children often take on more responsibility when the parents are emotionally immature.

I’ve seen adult clients who cared for younger siblings from a young age, acting as a parent.

And I’ve had others that needed to intervene in arguments between their parents.

Many others became invisible in the home to avoid being the target of their parents anger. This one is more common than you think.

Each of these required you to take on responsibilities that were not yours to carry.

You may not have had one in childhood. Safe spaces include people, and places.

As an adult, it’s your responsibility to create a safe space for yourself.

Part of that includes releasing burdens you may still be carrying.

Intimacy

Any close relationships include intimacy. Emotional intimacy is the ability to let yourself be seen for who you are.

The idea situation is that you feel safe enough to be seen, without feeling rejected. 

And to be clear, what I mean is that people may reject you. The goal is to be so sure within yourself, you never feel rejected.

I always tell my clients, “I can’t be rejected because I don’t reject myself.”

When you don’t reject yourself, it’s impossible for someone to reject you. 

I look at it more like, “It wasn’t a match.” I get to determine whether I’m rejected. That isn’t up to someone else because they do not determine my worth. I do.

That’s it, and there’s no storyline attached to it. This is the mark of secure attachments. It’s to be secure within yourself first.

Healthier relationships beging with honesty, authenticity and emotional intimacy.

If you’re not used to being vulnerable int his way, it can take some practice. 

Go slow and enjoy any emotional connections you make!

Vulnerability

It’s easier to be vulnerable when you have good, healthy boundaries in place.

Vulnerability is also easier when you’re not living in constant fear of rejection.

Being vulnerable requires a thick skin. You’re putting yourself on the line by being authentic.

True authenticity is being exactly who you are, anywhere you are. It’s a bit like walking outside completely naked.

You can’t control what other people say, do or think. What you can control is how you feel about yourself.

Vulnerability is also tied to rejection. If someone has rejected you for your vulnerabilities in the past, it’s time to heal that.

Part of this healing is taking responsibility for your faults, and owning them. Another part is letting go of other people’s thoughts about you.

Work through any repetitive patterns you have about yourself. 

It’s so much easier to be vulnerable once you feel at peace with who you are.

Responsibility

Burden and responsibility go hand in hand, yet there are some subtle differences.

When you’re over-burdened, you’ve taken on too much responsibility. As an adult, you can correct this.

But what about when you’re not taking enough responsibility?

I’ve seen sensitive people in constant worry about whether they are doing too much or too little.

This seems to be an internal conflict between the mind and the heart.

You may take on too much responsibility if you have a history of emotional neglect.

It’s the need to prove yourself, and do more to have someone see your value.

I’ve also see the opposite pattern of taking no responsibility. Instead, there’s a pattern of blame. It’s everyone else’s fault and there is usually a lot of anger attached.

This comes up a lot between parents, and children. And even spouses.

Your ability to take radical responsibilty cannot and should not begin from a place of blame.

Instead, do what we discussed at the very top of this blog.

Return to the basics: How are you abandoning yourself?

Asking this simple question gets you in the right mindset to address the root cause. 

Abandonment isn’t easy, but with the right tools and support, you can live a happy life.

If you need any help overcoming abandonment, reach out. It all begins with that first step.

This post was all about the abandonment wound.